I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
