First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
