This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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