I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
