i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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