I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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