My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
