Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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