If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
