kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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