I showed him my bush... on skype.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
