i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
