It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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