walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
