I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize