Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
