this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
