ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
