wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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