Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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