FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
