She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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