he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
