If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
