I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
