I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In other news, I just burned my penis
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
