I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
