matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
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i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
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if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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