I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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