it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
