Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
