i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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