She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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