i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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