Even the bartender felt bad for me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
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Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
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The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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