he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Terrible idea I love it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize