Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
