I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize