mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
