Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
