Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
