I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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