Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
