chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
