Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
