His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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