I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you win again, gameday.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
