I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
