We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
