i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
