Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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