Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
