The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
