This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
