he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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