matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
what day is it and did you see me today?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
