My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
