You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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