somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Cover your peen. We're going out.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
