My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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