I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
sex in a hospital.. check
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
