Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
